Feb 21

LGBTQ* Articles and Advice (You May Have Missed)

How to Bed a Trans Man

You’re a savvy queer who’s been eyeing a hot trans guy at the monthly dance parties, or the regular cutie you see at all the fundraising events, but how you make the approach? We here at Early to Bed have had many customers ask for our help in flirting and consummating their crush on an FTM. If you can’t make it to the shop in person, lucky you, here are seven tips to help you up your seduction game and keep you from inadvertently offending (or just turning off) your date.

1. Don’t use the word “tranny.”

RuPaul loves it, but you’re not on a date with RuPaul. The word is highly charged in the trans community because of its hurtful use in the past, and even if your date uses it to describe themselves or others, chances are when you say the word, you’ll sound awkward at best, or a like an insensitive jerk at worst.

2. If you mess up pronouns, apologize briefly and move on.

Everyone makes verbal gaffes. Quickly say you’re sorry and keep the conversation flowing. People mess up names and pronouns of non-trans folks, too; our brains are not perfect, so don’t make it a huge deal and draw more attention to it. Then, make a concerted effort to not mess up pronouns again. If you keep saying the wrong pronoun, though, consider that maybe you aren’t ready to be on the date.

3. Do your own research beforehand.

How do you take the hormones? What types of surgery are available? What’s this tight nylon shirt you’re wearing? What does “non-op transsexual” mean? All these questions can be answered by the Internet, so don’t treat your date like a private googling session (unless you’re supergeeks and that’s part of a fantasy scenario). Educating yourself on these topics will keep your curiosity from accidentally spilling all over your date, and it will also make conversation easier to follow on your end if he does mention things about his transition or past. However…

4. Don’t bring up trans stuff too much.

With all your newfound knowledge, you might now be tempted to flaunt it, but don’t. Play it cool. As a rule, think of it as a 3-to-1 ratio: you should only bring it up once for every three times your date does. Now, if your date is really, really into discussing social construction of gender, queer critical theory, trans politics, etc., then go for it; it’s good to talk excitedly about topics that your date likes to talk excitedly about. But if he’s not fixated on the topic, then you shouldn’t be, either.

5. Don’t tell anecdotes about other dates with trans men (or about your trans friends).

Some trans people like knowing that their date has been to the rodeo before, so to speak. Others think it’s an immediate red flag that you’re a fetishist. Mentioning it once casually in the proper context is OK, but don’t instigate the story out of nowhere. Going on and on about your trans friend(s) is meaningless, too; we want to see your behaviors in action, not get a list of your personal references.

6. Don’t ask us our birth names.

We went through a lot of trouble to train and educate our friends and families to switch to a new name, plus we probably paid court fees to do it legally. Your curiosity is normal, but the question itself puts us in an uncomfortable place of having to remember our past and talk about it with a near stranger who hasn’t properly taken the time to get to know us in the present. It’s also kind of a boner-killer to have someone gawking at how we don’t look like a Heather anymore.

7. Do give flirty compliments.

Unless you have X-ray vision, the majority of what makes someone attractive to you is not what’s between their legs or inside their pants. More likely it’s things like the way they move across the room, a grin, how they hold a glass, a look in their eyes, the way they tell a story — all characteristics that have no gender markers whatsoever. Talk about those things as turn-ons. Use gender-neutral adjectives (“sexy,” “smoldering,” “attractive,” “compelling,” “hot”) and maybe throw in “cute,” “adorable,” or “handsome.” Avoid adjectives that tend to be gendered in either direction — too feminine and it can feel uncomfortable, but too masculine and it can sound like you’re overcompensating. (The same goes for excessive dude-bro speak.)

Raymond is an instructor at Early to Bed, a feminist sex toy shop in Chicago. Women-owned and oriented, boy- and trans-friendly, the store has a relaxed atmosphere that is different from your average sex shop. Their brother site, Early to Rise, caters to men seeking sex toy advice and honest product reviews.

(source)

Posted 3 months ago

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Dec 29

My Queer Wish List: 10 Out-of-the-Spotlight Hopes for the New Year

(following from Josh A. Goodman for HuffPost)

1) LGBT-Inclusive School Curricula
This is a classic item on the so-called “gay agenda,” but it appears that the anti-gay crowd hasn’t had too much to worry about in past years (outside of California, anyway). Many schools still avoid talking about LGBT issues, especially with younger kids. However, if kids are exposed to storybooks with gay parents, or learn that people like Matthew Shepard were killed for being gay, they may become more accepting of LGBT people and less likely to engage in anti-gay bullying.

2) Comprehensive Sex Ed
Speaking of schools, this item is worthy of its own shout-out. It’d be nice if more sex ed programs acknowledged that it’s normal and healthy to be lesbian, gay or bisexual, and included information on how LGB people can prevent STIs such as HIV. On the flip side, programs that focus on abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies are of little use to lesbian and gay teenagers.

3) The Demise of Other “Kill the Gays” Laws
Uganda has garnered a lot of attention because they might pass the so-called Kill the Gays Bill, but dozens of other countries, ranging from Sudan to the United Arab Emirates, already kill or imprison gay people. Perhaps because there’s no imminent chance of the laws changing, they haven’t received as much outrage, but they ought to.

4) An Out Pro-Athlete
To date, there has still not been a player in one of the big four sports leagues (NBA, NFL, NHL and MLB) to come out during his career. A prominent gay pro-athlete would confront the stereotype that gay men can’t be athletic and could serve as a role model to queer youth who face discrimination in sports. Plus, people set aside religious bigotry, racism, and other prejudices to root for athletes on their team; it’d be nice to see the same with regard to homophobia. (KNOWhomo moderator’s note: obviously there are out female-identified athletes, though no current male-identified athletes in the USA’s 4 major sports leagues have made the courageous leap.)

5) Better Adoption Laws
Thirty-four states do not routinely allow same-sex couples to jointly adopt a child. That’s a shame, both for the couples who want to start families and the kids who miss out on a loving and supportive home. I think we can all agree that having two moms or two dads is better than having none.

6) Anti-Homophobia PSAs for Adults
Wanda Sykes and others have starred in public service announcements that question teenagers who call something gay when they mean that it’s stupid. That’s great for teens, and I’d love to see more of it, but it’s also important to address adult homophobia. Some possible PSAs for adults could point parents of LGBT teenagers to affirming resources or highlight the negative effects of anti-gay prejudice.

7) A Discussion About Intersectionality
People are not queer in a vacuum in which being LGB or T is the only part of who they are; all LGBT people are affected by their race, socioeconomic status, religious or cultural background and geographic location. That can mean a black lesbian experiences more anti-gay job discrimination than a white gay man, or a gay teenager feels isolated because he lives in a small town with few openly gay people. Being more aware of this isn’t going to solve anything by itself, but it is a good step.

8) Helping Homeless LGBT Youth
LGBT teenagers make up an estimated 20 to 40 percent of homeless youth, and transgender youth are especially likely to become homeless. Hopefully, with society’s shifting attitudes, there will be fewer parents who kick their kids out of the house, or treat them so poorly that they leave. Besides that shift, increased efforts to find LGBT-affirming foster families and expanding the resources available specifically for homeless LGBT teens are ways to help those who are still without a home.

9) Addressing the Needs of LGBT Elders
LGBT elders are more likely than their heterosexual counterparts to live alone, are denied spousal and survivor benefits from social security and are vulnerable to insensitive treatment and abuse from prejudiced care workers. Among the ways to address these issues include mandatory LGBT-inclusive diversity trainings for care workers and having LGBT community activities in assisted living facilities.

10) More Courage from Politicians
President Obama made history this year when he became the first sitting president to support same-sex marriage. I hope that more politicians follow his lead when it comes to LGBT rights in 2013. Some politicians come from districts that will be hostile to LGBT rights legislation, but it is up to those politicians to say that doing what is right is what’s most important. Other politicians do not push for LGBT rights very much because of other pressing problems, but it is always the appropriate time to address injustice and promote fairer treatment under the law. I hope that our politicians show courage this coming year; a lot of progress can happen without the support of politicians, but it’s far easier when they’re vocal supporters on our side.

Posted 4 months ago

293 notes

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Oct 2

LGBTQ* BANNED (!) or CHALLENGED (!) Books You Should Know

This week marks the 30th anniversary of the American Library Associations Banned Book Week Celebration (which celebrates and encourages you to read books which have been banned/challenged in local libraries and education, as well as educate yourself about censorship and printed media).

If you’d like more information, please check out ALA.org/bbooks

Below are TEN of the most challenged/banned LGBTQ* books. All of the information for these books is taken from the Huffington Press’ 16 Books Challenged for Their Gay Content (read more HERE).

KNOWhomo & Keep On, Keeping On!

-Rebecca

(all text from Huffington Post)

‘And Tango Makes Three’

This 2005 children’s book, written by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson and illustrated by Henry Cole, tells the story of two penguins raising a baby penguin in New York’s Central Park Zoo. Sounds innocent enough… except for the fact that both penguins were male.

Conservative opponents, such as the Focus on the Family Action group, said the book was inaccurate and promoted a political agenda to little kids.
‘Running With Scissors’

Augusten Burroughs’ 2002 memoir traces his adolescence, living in the dysfunctional household of his mother’s psychiatrist. A central point to the memoir is the sexual relationship between thirteen year-old Augusten and thirty-three year-old Neil Bookman. This homosexual content, along with profanity, drug use, and “moral shortcomings,” led it to be banned in some high schools.
‘Maurice’

E. M. Forster’s tale of homosexual love in early 20th century England, follows Maurice Hall from youth to adulthood and details his struggles, and eventual acceptance, of his gay tendencies and his relationship with another man.

The book was published in 1971 after Forster’s death. The author resisted publication because of public and legal attitudes to homosexuality — a note found on the manuscript read: “Publishable, but worth it?” So, in this case, the author himself was the one challenging the book, only because he knew how the book would be received in early 20th century England.
‘Annie on my Mind’

This 1982 novel by Nancy Garden follows the romantic relationship between two 17-year-old New York City girls, Annie and Liza.

Although it was a widely praised piece of young adult fiction, it also brought critics, particularly in Kansas. Because of the gay themes, copies of the book were burned and superintendent Ron Wimmer of the Olathe School District ordered the book removed from the high school library to avoid controversy.

Garden later commented, about the burning: “Burned! I didn’t think people burned books any more. Only Nazis burn books…”
‘Howl and Other Poems’

When Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” was published in 1956, the iconic Beat poem was considered “obscene literature,” and U.S. Customs officials seized 520 copies of the poem. “Howl” contained references to illicit drugs and sexual practices, both heterosexual and homosexual.

At the obscenity trial, literary experts testified on the poem’s behalf. Supported by the ACLU, the California State Superior Court Judge Clayton Horn decided that the poem was of “redeeming social importance,” and it went on to become one of the most popular pieces of Beat literature.
“Luv Ya Bunches”

This children’s novel about four elementary school girls was pulled from Scholastic Book Fairs in 2009. Scholastic asked author Lauren Myracle to edit out some inappropriate language — “geez,” “crap,” “sucks,” — and turn one character’s lesbian parents straight.

Although Myracle was fine with changing the language, she saw nothing offensive about a child having gay parents and wouldn’t replace them with a heterosexual couple, so Scholastic didn’t accept the book for fear of getting hate mail from parents.

Myracle commented, “Over 200,000 kids in America are raised by same-sex parents, just like Milla. It’s not an issue to clean up or hide away… In my opinion, it’s not an ‘issue’ at all. The issue, as I see it, is that kids benefit hugely from seeing themselves reflected positively in the books they read. It’s an extremely empowering and validating experience.”
‘Revolutionary Voices’

Edited by Amy Sonnie, this anthology was created by and for radical queer youth, committed specifically to youth of color, young women, transgender and bisexual youth, (dis)abled youth and working class youth.

The resource for queer students was widely controversial and was even targeted by members of Glenn Beck’s 9/12 movement and on theAmerican Library Association’s list of most challenged books in 2010.
‘The Color Purple’

Alice Walker’s 1982 novel about the lives of black women in the 1930s American South is one the American Library Association’s frequently challenged classics, for reasons including “the homosexuality, rape, and incest portrayed in the book.”
‘Am I Blue?’

Though 1994’s “Am I Blue?” — a collection of stories about being LGBT from authors like Francesca Lia Block, Bruce Coville, Nancy Garden and James Cross Giblin — was honored with awards from the ALA and the New York Public Library, it was also challenged for its content.
‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’

Stephen Chbosky’s 1999 coming of age novel details introverted Charlie’s first year of high school. Among controversial issues, such as drug use and suicide, the book’s coverage of homosexuality landed it third on the American Library Association’s list of the top ten most frequently challenged books of 2009.

Posted 7 months ago

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Aug 9

Dear hypothetically gay son,

You’re gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we’re at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter, and instead of asking me about my meal, you said you were gay. I don’t know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you’re gay… because that is what it sounds like in my head right now: “My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay.”

Let me be perfectly clear: I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you’re gay. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night’s dinner. Have I said “surprise” enough in this paragraph? One more time: Surprise!

OK. Let’s get a few things straight about how things are going to be.

Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You’re going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fiber of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home, you are safe, and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re any less capable of taking care of and defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you or in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I would go to war for you.

If you’re going to have boys over, you now need to leave your bedroom door open. Sorry, kiddo. Them’s the breaks. I couldn’t have girls in my room with the door shut, so you don’t get to have boys.

You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it’s going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let’s give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.

That’s enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I’ll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn’t be prouder of the people you’ve become.

Love,
Dad

P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality Act of 2020, you’re legally able to get married. When I was your age, that was just an idea. Pretty cool, huh?

(from John Kinnear)

- From Huffington’s Post’s “Dear Hypothetical Gay Son”

Posted 9 months ago

2,496 notes

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Jun 9

LGBTQ* Surveys and Polls

12 Least LGBT-Friendly Universities/Colleges in the USA (2012)

(information from Huffington Post)
- (12) Boston College
- (11) Providence College
- (10) Wheaton College
- (9) Hapden-Sydney College
- (8) University of Notre Dame
- (7) Southern Methodist University
- (6) College of the Ozarks
- (5) Thomas Aquinas College
- (4) Brigham Young University
- (3) Texas A&M University
- (2) Grove City College
- (1) University of Dallas

Posted 11 months ago

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Dec 14

LGBTQ* Stories of Acceptance and Being Who You Are

It Happened To Me: I Told My Boyfriend I Was Born A Boy

Janet Mock Writer, speaker, and trans advocate; Staff Editor, People.com

(Read the FULL Story Here)

“This is my song,” I remember saying frequently. It was that kind of night.

In the midst of my tipsiness, I felt someone looking at me. You know that feeling when you sense there’s a singular focus just on you? That’s what it was.

As I turned around, I saw the guy, this handsome, handsome man with skin the color of caramel popcorn and almond-shaped eyes. His beauty, to me, was right out of my mind’s own sketch pad.

He was a fantasy come true, and I wanted him to want me.

………

I found myself out on the cold streets, walking beside this beautiful stranger into a coffee shop on Houston. We had lattes and a cinnamon roll. He told me he was from North Dakota; I told him I was from Hawaii. He told me he took photos and trained dogs for a living; I told him I was an editor for a popular website. He told me he hoped to have horses someday; I told him I wanted to tell stories that matter for a living.

It’s the kind of exchange only two people who are willing to fully be seen can share. It was natural and life-shifting.

I could feel the mystery I had so tirelessly built around me fall, until I was just me.

He kissed me on the cheek and put me in a cab, where I received his very first text: “You’re a complete pleasure. -Aaron.”

……

“I have something to tell you,” I remember saying.

Aaron stood at the foot of his bed, readying himself for disappointment, it seemed to me. Or at least that’s what I internalized.

How do I say this? I asked myself.

“OK, let me just say it: I was born a boy.”

I didn’t look at his face while spouting off the details of my journey through genders as a kid: “I knew I was a girl from my very first thoughts… I began presenting as female from age 12… I took hormones in high school… I flew to Thailand to have surgery at 18.”

When I finally stopped talking, I exhaled. I’d finally told my whole story to someone I was falling for. And I was afraid that my biggest fear would come true: Aaron would look at me differently.

And it did come true.

I could no longer just be Aaron’s fantasy, a mixed girl with curly hair from Hawaii with a master’s degree and a job that “a million girls would kill for.” Our fantasies had ended, and now we were just two people bare in front of one another.

“Can I hug you?” Aaron asked.

And it was then that I went into the ugly cry. For the first time in my young life, I was being seen, fully seen, as the totality of my experiences.

Fast-forward a few years, and Aaron is now my guy, the man I order dinner with every night, the one who grudgingly sits beside me as I watch every Real Housewives franchise (except for Orange County), the one who questions my newfound love of neon-pink OCC lip tars.

……….

He’s better because he’s real, because he exists, because he wants more than just the idea of me. He wants me.

Posted 1 year ago

713 notes

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